[Derpy Hooves]

Hello I have recently had an idea for a fanfic about guntz. And I want to make it in the heroes universe but much darker and much more grim. But, I wanted to know if you guys have some ideas and maybe could assist me on writing this. I do have a major idea I want to play towards the end of fanfic. I want to make this fanfic Rated T. But, I feel as though that guntz needs to be much more sadistic and much more of a villain.

[Mobotropolis]

... are you TheForbiddenTree on FF.net?

In any case I can read whatever you write before posting and give you writing/editing advice.

I don't quite have enough free time to write for yet another project, however. I have like four.

[Derpy Hooves]

No I am not.

And ok

[egg]

I really wish I can help you, but as of now I have never played a game with Guntz in it yet. I would 100% want to help you but at the same time I don't want to get spoiled or makes things inaccurate 

Have you considered an AU ? 

[Derpy Hooves]

Uploaded a rough draft

[Mobotropolis]

Hmm ... let's see ...

Three Things.

1. You need to be more descriptive. If not for you putting the title in the document I would not have known that this was being told from Guntz's perspective. You need to give your readers clues about the narrator even if the story is unfolding through first person. In fact, I think that cues are even more important then because you have to remind the reader that they are in someone's head.

There's a body there ... but I am unsure who's body it is. Is that Butz? I can't tell.

Where is this happening?

Where is Guntz in relation to the body?

Try and set the scene for the reader to set the tone for the scene.

2. Your sentence structure needs work. I'd suggest you read what you write aloud and tweak your sentences until they sound natural. The second to last sentence in particular sticks out to me for sounding redundant.

3. You are pretty good at setting emotional tone. I can tell by reading that Guntz is a very angry and bitter individual who has a reason to have a chip on his shoulder. Now, you need to show how Guntz feels through his actions. It's not just enough to say that a character is going through emotional turmoil. We have to see the results of that action.

Good Luck.

[Derpy Hooves]

@Mobotropolis how do you suggest that I show by actions like him slamming things to the ground or him crying?

[Mobotropolis]

Yes. Describe what he does physically. Not just his mental state.

To get a grasp of how to describe things it helps to become observant of yourself and your surroundings. To get better at that I do something of a mental exercise. Try describing the room you're in through writing. Try describing how you get ready for the day. Try describing how your day went. Not just events, but details.

At first, your writing might be entirely too detailed to make for an interesting read -- and that's okay. You just want to grasp the concept at first.

While you're writing your story you probably have a picture of what is happening in your mind. You can use the same exercise to extract important details from the scene to give your readers a good clue of what is going on. Try to visualize the scene in your mind. Think of the details. Then your character's actions. And any other involved character's reactions.

An effective description will allow the reader to see what you're seeing without much guesswork or interpretation.

[Derpy Hooves]

Due to a different story direction I am not gonna be posting my story on here anymore due to the fanfic being now rated M.